Spoilery Review: Better Living Through Chemistry

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Life sucks for Doug Varney (Sam Rockwell), he’s got a thankless job under his father-in-laws thumb at the local pharmacy. Varney is the new owner, but his father-in-law is still in control. Doug’s wife Kara (Michelle Monaghan) has essentially castrated him and emasculates him every chance he gets. His son is going off the deep end and has taken to smearing shit all over his school. Luckily a lazy delivery driver forces him to meet a lonely housewife who changes his life forever.

Elizabeth Roberts (Olivia Wilde) is a lonely trophy wife who loathes her husband and dreams of murdering him for the money. In her Doug finds a way to rebel against his horrible cunt of a wife, but Elizabeth also gets him to start breaking Biggie’s 1st crack commandment. Never get high on yo own supply. Just as Doug begins to enjoy reveling in the sex and drugs with Elizabeth, DEA agent Andrew Carp[(Norbert Leo Butz) that can’t be his real name] shows up to inspect the inventory due to the change in ownership.

Naturally this sends Doug into a tailspin of fear and paranoia, exacerbated by the fun new drug cocktails he’s taken to making for his adulterous romps with Elizabeth. As things begin to spiral desperately out of control, they conspire to murder Elizabeth’s husband Jack (Ray Liotta) and abscond with the inheritance. Doug tampers with Jack’s pills and Elizabeth takes off for the beach.

But as Doug is drowning his worry at the local bar, he randomly runs into Jack and they become fast friends. Racked with remorse, he drives to check on Jack in the morning and believes he sees him dead in the living room. The guilt weighing on him he drives to turn himself in, but not before going to his son’s school for “Bring Your Dad to School Day.” Everything gets wrapped up in a neat little package. Doug gets his balls back, salvages his marriage, and gets out from under his father-in-law’s thumb.

I really enjoyed this movie. Sam Rockwell is one of my favorite living actors. His ability to seamlessly blend sincerity and comedy is second to none. Olivia Wilde is great as the desperate housewife and Michelle Monaghan kills it as the overbearing wife. Everyone in this movie plays their role exceptionally well. True the movie is full of stereotypical characters, but they are all acted well so it’s easy to overlook. It’s a great dark comedy, but definitely more comedy than dark. Give this movie a watch for some good laughs.

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Spoilery Review: Cheap Thrills

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MaybeImWrong

What would you do for money if you were desperate? How far would you go to keep your family from being homeless? These questions are the focus of this movie. Starring Pat Healy, Ethan Embry, David Koechner, and Sara Paxton this comedic thriller is a bit deeper than it appears.

Pat Healy plays Craig, a guy at his wits end after getting fired from his job as a mechanic and receiving an eviction notice the same day. Now he needs to come up with $4500 to keep his family in their home. While contemplating his options at a local dive bar he runs into an old friend from high school named Vince, played by Ethan Embry.

After catching up, Craig confides his problems to Vince who commiserates with him but can’t help him. Craig excuses himself to the bathroom where he finds a guy doing some blow, the guy leaves and Craig notices he dropped a $50 in the toilet. This is the first gross thing he does for money.

When he gets back to the bar Vince has made friends with the guy who was doing blow in the bathroom. The man Colin, played by David Koechner, is there with his wife Violet, Sara Paxton, celebrating her birthday. To celebrate they are out on the town, drinking and causing a bit of trouble.

The bets start off pretty simple, first to take shots, slap a strippers ass, punch a bouncer, but when the group gets back to Colin and Violets house things start to get crazy. Colin takes Vince to his office to get some drugs and Vince sees stacks of cash in the safe. Being a hard up loan shark enforcer Vince decides that he and Craig should steal the money.

Little do they know that Colin is a martial arts champion, he quickly turns the tables on Vince and this is where things go deep into the abyss. Instead of calling the police, Colin makes Craig and Vince compete against each other in a series of fucked up challenges to earn the money they just tried to steal. The end of Four Rooms is recreated, they dine on some delectably exotic cuisine, and shit in the neighbors house.

This is dark comedy at its finest, leaving you simultaneously horrified and laughing hysterically. But I have been accused of being a sick fucker. If you are a fan of the dark comedy classic Very Bad Things, you will probably enjoy the shit out this movie. Hitting theaters 3/21/14 this is a don’t miss for fans of things you shouldn’t laugh at.

Spoilery Review: Bad Country

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MaybeImWrong

A period piece cop drama set in the early 80’s and based on a true story, Bad Country is a B movie that almost earns an A. The story of the two men who took down one of Louisiana’s biggest organized crime rings, it’s gripping to watch. Willem Dafoe stars as Bud Carter, a detective that plays by his own rules to get results. I love watching him play the hard ass cop, it’s a role that suits him well. His costar is Matt Dillon playing an ex-military/convict who turns states evidence after his brother is killed in prison by his boss. The crime boss, Lutin, is played by Tom Berenger in a fat suit pretending to be Dom Delouise. Amy Smart has a small role as Dillon’s wife who gives birth as he’s getting arrested and gets blown up to send Dillon on the warpath at the end.

While Dafoe is always fantastic and Dillon is the best he’s looked in years in this role, Berenger isn’t the least bit intimidating or believable as the crime boss. The way he goes in and out of a shitty Creole accent completely blows his credibility. He tried I guess, but he should have tried harder. There is one instance where the accent comes and goes a few times in the same monologue.

I really can’t say enough good things about Matt Dillon in this movie. He’s always struck me as a little goofy in everything he’s done. Even when he tries to play it straight and hard he comes off goofy, I think it has something to do with his voice and cadence. That’s not the case in this movie, he is very believable as the white trash ex-con trying to make right.

Some things are just written weirdly, Chris Marquette as douchey Special Agent Martin Fitch ordering a weird dressing for his salad at a podunk diner making Dafoe’s character instantly hate him is one. Marquette’s whole character is just annoying, maybe he was written that way, maybe it was just Marquette’s performance. There is also a weird sub-plot concerning the reconciling of Dafoe’s character and his estranged father, who look to be about the same age. The movie also showcases the dick-measuring competition that results from incompetent government agencies trying to work together.

If it wasn’t for Dillon’s brilliant portrayal and Dafoe’s tour de force performance this movie would be wholly unwatchable. Unless you want to laugh at Berenger’s gawdawful on again off again accent. How this guy keeps getting work is beyond me. But you should watch this movie, Matt Dillon needs the love. Grab it from Redbox, VOD, or where ever you get your movies from. 

Audacious Titans Podcast 008

Audacious Titans Podcast 008

Podcast 008

Welcome back to the Audacious Titans Podcast! Juan the American Don is our guest this time. How ya like that intro music? We start off talking about Misfits, the tv show not the band, we were wrong it originally aired on E4. It is available on Hulu tho. Luther is badass. London likes the American version of The Office better than the original. The classic Stanley Thermos is badass. Sorry about all the coughing, we’re kind of sick, winter and all you know. How can you shit your mind? We talk a bit about the blizzard the week before. Why do people always buy groceries like they’ll never see a store again when it’s going to snow? THE POLAR VORTEX IS COMING!!! Money vouches for London’s Peggle 2 addiction. We talk about our favorite games of 2013, lists down below. Money has a man crush on Varnell Hill. London needs a new TV. The Rock is up for the role of John Stewart. Why can’t Idris Elba be James Bond? Spawn vs Kratos Death Battle. Games we are looking forward to in 2014; Metal Gear Solid, Titanfall, Elder Scrolls Online, Tomb Raider Definitive Edition, Thief 4. PS4 was outselling the Xbox One. Playstation Now! Beating your dad at video games is a rite of passage. We talk about Evolve for the first time. Would you buy a Steam Box? Pirates of Silicon Valley.Why do you need 6TB? Had to tell London about The Lock In. Tyler Perry gets paid twice. Juan finally speaks up a bit. Black comedians do drag because of Flip Wilson. Chris Tucker’s futuristic pimp suit. Michael Bay can’t improvise. Personal drones are a thing now. 3D printers are getting cheaper. 3D doodle pins look cool. 3D printed guns are crazy. Best tactical move in zombie warfare. How do they keep getting away with killing people on Misfits? First two seasons are epic! Tupac the musical.WWE network.Reminiscing on some old school WWE matches. Undertaker was the baddest dude of all time. Bone Thugs N Harmony. Alien: Invasion looks pretty badass. Silent Hill scares London. Slenderman on PC. Slenderman debunked. London can’t get into New Doctor Who. He’s also not really a Hobbit movie fan. Juan has lots of falling dreams. Some tricks for driving in snow. I want to go to the Marvel Experience. Anchorman 2 did not live up to the hype. American Hustle was pretty cool. Jennifer Lawrence would be fun to hangout with. Show me your titties. Ronda Rousey will fuck you up and she does not like Miesha Tate. I didn’t mean to call Ronda Rousey a bitch. Poor Anderson Silva. Manny Pacquiao Floyd Mayweather fight in September? Stop it Charlie! Open Grave. Saving Mr. Banks. Guardians of the Galaxy is not GalaxyQuest. Nova Corps. Exoplanets can save the human race. Galactic Federation of Light? Pig-Monkeys? Holographic Universe theory. Mushrooms keep people out of jail? Titanfall 6v6. Amplituhedron. Juggalos Sue FBI. Wonder Woman. Jason Momoa in BvS? Masturbating Soldier. Amazing Spiderman 2.  90s Spiderman cartoon was the shit! X-Men:DOFP. 90’s X-Men was the shit too! Age of Apocalypse. X-Men Evolution. Thanos needs a stand-alone movie. Final Fantasy continuity is strange. Fantastic Four casting. Shadow of the Colossus movie? Limitless Cosmic Power!!! 90’s Silver Surfer cartoon, also the shit. Gantz. Gamaran. All Hail the King. Crow remake. Pointe Break remake. Hitman reboot. Project Spark. Porn drives humanity. Chatroulette. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Twitter.

Favorite games of 2013:

MaybeImWrong

  1. GTA V
  2. Dishonored
  3. Arkham Origins

London Blue

  1. GTA V
  2. Injustice
  3. Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3
  4. Gears of War: Judgement
  5. Battlefield 4 & Diablo 3
    1. Honorable Mention: Payday 2

MF Money

  1. GTA V
  2. Dead Rising 3
  3. Castlevania Army of Despair
  4. Manako
  5. Dark Souls

Spoilery Review: 300 Rise of an Empire

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So I just got back from the midnight release of 300:Rise of an Empire and I was utterly disappointed. And my expectations weren’t that high. I didn’t think this movie would be a dramatic tour de force, but I was hopeful that I would again see the beautiful special effects and spectacular fight scenes of the first. And I did, ad nauseum.

The movie opens with Lena Headey narrating for about 20 minutes over slow mo battles and millions of gallons of bad CGI blood. She continues narrating throughout the movie, rehashing the narration from the original. Fun Fact, David Wenham and Lena Headey are the only two back from the original, even though the two movies happen simultaneously. Gerard Butler’s cameo price must have been out of budget. Back on track. 

It turns out there is this guy Themistokles who became the hero of the battle of Marathon by putting an arrow through King Darius’ heart. But his big mistake was not putting one through Prince Xerxes. Had he done that, this whole war and these two movies would have been avoided. Since he did not, Xerxes takes Darius home where he dies when his most trusted military commander, Artemisia, whom he loves like a daughter pulls the arrow out of his heart. Kind of shitty if you ask me, but I still don’t understand how he made the month long trek back to the capital with an arrow in his chest. Darius’ dying words to Xerxes were essentially, don’t fuck with the Greeks it would take a God to defeat them. At this point Xerxes goes into whiny bitch mode and curls up in a corner crying for a week. 

Artemisia interprets this a different way, she sees it as a challenge for Xerxes to become a god. So they wrap him in gauze, anoint him with special oil, and send him off into the desert to have a vision quest. On which, he comes across a cave of hermits, because those existed in ancient Persia. It is in this cave that he gives his soul to some dark forces in order to become the GodKing. Symbolized by him descending into a pool of molten gold and emerging hairless, uber pierced, and clad in iron underpants. He declares that they will go to war with Greece to avenge his father, while Artemisia mouths the words as he says them. Insinuating that she’s controlling him. WInk wink.

Meanwhile, back in Greece Thermistokles is traveling around trying to get a navy together by begging all the city/states for their ships. Which a lot of them agree to, except Sparta. Because, Fuck you this is Sparta! When he gets what navy he can together he gathers them at the northern coast to await Artemisia and the Persian navy. Did I mention this is mostly a naval battle movie. I mean it’s ancient naval combat, so basically ships running right into each other and the crews fighting it out. There is Greek Fire, but it’s being used by the Persians and the Greeks seem very confused by it. But before we even get to that is one of the weirdest sex scenes I’ve ever seen. 

Artemisia sends for Thermistokles to try and sway him to her side using her feminine wiles. Which leads to a weird sex-fight/negotiation. Which is made all the stranger by having Artemisia’s back story told immediately beforehand. Which is that she watched her whole family raped and murdered by Greek soldiers during some inter city/state conflict when she was very young, the actress looked like a tween. After the battle she was promptly made a sex slave on some ship, still a tween mind you, and then when they are done with her they just leave her in a street. She’s found by a Persian emissary who takes pity on her and raises her to be a super killer blah blah blah. Is there a more stereotypical female super villain back story? 

So they show you all this terrible child sex slavery shit, then have her try to seduce, and have very rough sex with Thermistokles. I thought it was bad timing personally. But, I will say, Eva Green has phenomenal breasts. They are perfectly round, perky, and on screen for quite a while. The 5 minutes leading up to them coming out was the most suspenseful part of the whole movie. Don’t worry ladies, like the first one, there is a plethora of half naked ridiculously chiseled dudes onscreen the whole movie. I don’t want to hear shit about sexism.

The movie’s main source of suspense is whether or not the Spartan navy will show up to the final battle with the Persian navy. Which they completely fucking ruin in the opening when they show Queen Gorgo, Lena Headey, standing on a fucking boat, in battle armor, surrounded by fucking soldiers. And I guess this is a compliment to Lena Headey, but because she is so fucking good at being evil on Game of Thrones I can’t bring myself to root for her. I want her to die in everything she does. All I could think about at the end when the Spartans show up like the cavalry and she leads the troops storming the main ship was, KILL THAT BROTHERFUCKIN CUNT!!! SHE DOESN’T HAVE A SHIELD!!!! KILL HER!!!! So I guess that is a testament to her fantastic acting ability.  

I don’t want to be too negative about this movie, the CGI was fantastic. I saw it in IMAX 3D and I thought they made use of the medium well. There are little embers constantly floating around, which did get distracting, but looked really cool for a while. There is a cool scene with a bunch of wrecked ships and men floating down into the depths that made use of 3D really well. 

If I had to use one word to describe this movie it would be excessive. The millions of gallons of bad CGI blood was excessive. The 60 minutes of slow mo shots was excessive, not exaggerating. I didn’t have a stop watch, but every other fucking scene was slow mo. The use of the same lines of dialog in narration was excessive. I understand they were going for something like a haunting prophesy with it, but that didn’t work out for them. The 30 minutes of narrated scenes was excessive and lazy. No joke either 30 minutes, maybe 45. There were at least 20 straight minutes of narration in the beginning, and whenever back story needed to be told it was done through narration. This is just lazy storytelling. 

Bottom line, if you want to see a movie that looks cool this is your film. If it hadn’t been for the fantastic CGI work I would have been easily convinced I was watching the Asylum ripoff of 300. If you want to see an orgy of bad CGI blood, half naked men stabbing each other(not a gay joke at all), and listen to Lena Headey narrate a movie then go see this movie. Preferably in IMAX 3D, because that was what it was designed for. 

I was prepared to give this movie 3/10 stars just on the CGI work alone. Except the blood, man is it shitty fake blood. It’s the wrong color, shimmers too much, and there is a lot of it. The practical effects blood looked great. But I’m going to bump the rating up to 5/10 because of Eva Green’s wonderfully voluptuous rack. 

All I have to say about the male leads is; Sullivan Stapleton is no Gerard Butler and Hans Matheson is no Michael Fassbender, but they try their hardest.

Cinema Sins is going to have a field day with this one. 

MaybeImWrong

Spoilery Review: The Returned

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The plague of zombie movies is in no danger of being defeated, but The Returned has found a way to breathe new life into the genre. In the movie’s universe the zombie plague has been mitigated by a “cure” that must be administered in the first 36 hours and then continued to be administered once a day for life. This has separated society into two groups of people, uninfected and The Returned.

The main protagonists in the film are a doctor named Kate (Emily Hampshire) and her boyfriend Alex (Kris Holden-Ried). She is on the forefront of research into The Returned and he is one. Believe it or not the main antagonists are not the zombies; and yes they actually use the term zombie, as a derogatory term for The Returned though. The villains are more ambiguous, changing from the government, to friends they once trusted, and random people on the street.

The plot of the movie revolves around a diminishing supply of the drug that keeps people from becoming zombies. This causes a wave of terrorist attacks against Return centers, people breaking in and killing the patients in their beds. It also causes The Returned to be rounded up World War 2 internment camp style. When this happens, Kris and Alex take off with their best friends to a cabin in the country.

This movie is more than just another zombie movie. It does what the Walking Dead tv show tries to do. Focusing on the struggles of individuals living in a world where people become cannibalistic monsters. Asking questions like, what makes one life more valuable than another? How do you cope with imminent death of a loved one when there is nothing you can do to save them? What do people do when they see no hope for their future? I really enjoyed the civil rights allegory in this film. In one scene Alex “comes out” to his friends as one of The Returned, and they accept him in open arms. If only the rest of society were as open minded.

This is definitely a movie every zombie genre fan should check out. Some will probably be disappointed with the lack of blood, guts, gore, and zombie killing action. The movie is not completely devoid of it, there are a few scenes to quench your bloodlust. But the intelligent zombie fan will appreciate the fresh take on the genre and hopefully understand the subtext.

The Returned is available on Amazon Instant and other VOD services.